I’ve noticed a theme cropping up with some of my private clients and I thought I would write a quick article to talk about what I’ve been sharing in the hopes that it helps you.
Some research says that people are the loneliest that they have ever been and it made me curious as to why that could be when, now more than ever, we have access to more companionship than ever before.
Now, I get that as humans we need some degree of human interaction and touch which technology is insidiously eliminating, and with what we are going through in the world, for some of us, loneliness is going to be hitting hard.
That empty feeling that you feel that makes you crave human contact is a normal feeling that we all may feel from time to time. What makes it even more strange is that you may have people around you that love you and care about you but you still feel like something is missing and that you are alone in the world.
So let’s break this down because rarely is loneliness about the people that you have around you, it’s about a state of mind. That may stop you in your tracks but it’s true. In most instances, not the rare shut in, mourning of a loss, or literal physical isolation that we may be experiencing today (all examples of situational loneliness), you are not alone. There are people all over the damn place.
Another clue that loneliness is a state of mind is this-- there are plenty of people that are literally alone and they do not feel lonely. Even though it’s semantics, I like to say that the more “negative” expressions of being alone are loneliness and the more “positive” expressions of being alone are called solitude. I make that distinction to emphasize that feeling lonely is a state of mind. There are plenty of people that are alone and happy (solitude) so we must examine… Why are you feeling lonely instead of feeling peace and solitude? Especially since you may have people around you or have access to people with which you can build a potential relationship. To answer this,I want to share 3 points about feeling lonely when you are, technically, not alone.
We cleared up the misunderstanding that loneliness usually does not mean that you are literally alone and is, most often, a feeling. Feelings are not facts, they are how you consciously experience an emotion. Usually the cause of feeling alone is the incongruence between the expectations that you have for your significant life relationships vs what you are actually experiencing and usually the bigger the gap, the deeper the loneliness.
If you want to understand what drives this feeling, think about these things. What are some areas in life where you feel empty? Do you love yourself or feel worthy of love? Do you have a healthy self esteem? Do you have general confidence in yourself? Is there an underlying psychological disorder? Do you feel safe and secure? What is your soul trying to tell you? What needs to change?
If you answer no to any of those things, the solution is not to seek relationships in this state…. Most of my clients will do this against better judgement… because it’s the easiest way to make the pain go away even though feelings of love, self esteem, self confidence, and more come from inside. No one can give that to you or take it away from you. The sooner that you understand that searching for the band-aid solution often exacerbates the issue, and the sooner that you commit to finally doing the inner work, the sooner you will start to alleviate your tendency to feel lonely due to external factors.
And tell me you haven’t noticed this…. The more you want to get rid of the loneliness and seek for others to fill this void, the more that you repel that which you want. One trend you may notice is that you attract emotionally/physically unavailable partners.
You may not know this but when you feel loneliness, it may be a clue that not only are there things about yourself that may need healing and attention, but it also may be a clue that you are disconnected from your own self and your own purpose. The things that bring you joy and creativity. Or that feeling of security and groundedness you feel when you have a strong connection to your core and your intuition. People that have that steady core through self reflective work combined with self discipline, such as the Personal Mastery work that I teach, feel more connected and feel more love.
Maybe you have a healthy self esteem or have confidence but you lack vision and purpose in your life. Or maybe you get lost in everything that doesn’t matter and so without meaning and intention in your life you feel lost which is a catalyst for emptiness and loneliness. In these instances, I recommend that you step back and connect to your purpose and vision for yourself. There are plenty of my clients that try to avoid this step as well but the ones that do this are then able to create a vision and align with the values that matter in their life which in turn helps them gain control over their relationships, circumstances, and more. They are able to dissipate these negative feelings and connect to more positivity just by choosing to stop living a mundane life and start living a life that means something to them.
Just because you feel lonely doesn’t mean you need to be with someone or “fix” it. It may require you to be more accepting of the feeling. You may have to pay attention and ask yourself when you feel the loneliest. In a world that promotes a false sense of reality, this may be hard to hear. Especially when you tell yourself that you are the only one that feels this way and that everyone else has someone…. Now that you know what you know… does this cure loneliness? Sometimes to accept that you are lonely and resist the urge to fix it can allow you to move from a place where you think something is wrong with you for feeling this way or you think that you are different to a place where you are able to work through this difficult emotion without judgement and feel what you may need to feel in order to create a breakthrough, a release, or some other necessary revelation that will facilitate your growth while at the same time being compassionate to yourself.
And there I leave you. I leave you with some things that you can consider when you feel lonely and want to drown it out by settling for a partner you know isn’t right, or eating that 3rd piece of pizza, or chasing likes and follows on social media. You can do all of those things. And… they may give you a quick fix or they may not and leave you disappointed. Until you get to the source and fix that, you are missing the true solution to your problem.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
If you want to learn about how I can help you combat your feelings of emptiness, low self esteem, and low self confidence to begin feeling more purposeful, and learn tools that will help you believe in yourself and feel more peaceful and content, I have private coaching slots available and you can learn more here.
I would be remiss not to mention that if you are having suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
